What to do about Mom and Dad, part 2

For now, the email correspondence my siblings and I are undergoing concerning our parents is working.  We "reply all" and avoid sideline conversations amongst ourselves.  Hopefully we can keep the civil, open discourse going throughout this process.  That in itself will be a major goal!  Too often, especially with multiple voices in the mix, the squabbles begin, the process breaks down, everybody loses.  Keeping our egos and our unresolved personal issues out of the equation will be paramount.  If each of us can keep the goal "What's Best For Mom and Dad" front and center, we stand a good chance of riding this storm keeping out family relationships intact and, hopefully, unscathed.  Multiple personalities, multiple viewpoints will be involved.  Being able to accept this reality and work though our differences is crucial.  One important first lesson I've learned from Jane Gross's book, A Bittersweet Season, is the value of enlisting early on a Geriatric Care Manager to be the trained, objective outsider to steer the course.  These professionals (members of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers) have various backgrounds - nursing, social work, gerontology - and must have expertise in aging issues.   They are the cool, clear head to assess, interact, intervene.  Their services are particularly valuable in situations where children of elders don't live nearby and are unable to provide care and attention.  Paid by the hour, their services are not cheap but are invaluable. They can provide as little or as much assistance as needed (including family therapy if needed to resolve issues mucking up the process.)   Look at it as money spent upfront to save money (and sanity) spent along the way.  I won't go into all the many ways a GCM can assist during an elder's final years.   Suffice it to say, whatever can go wrong can possibly be avoided with their assistance. Whether or not our family chooses to access these services, knowing their expertise is available is comforting.  If nothing else, their services are available to me should I decide I need support or information.  There's no right or wrong way to go through this process.  Every family situation is different, financially, emotionally, structurally.  A Geriatric Care Manager is one tool in the elder care tool box.

What are we going to do about Mom and Dad? Part 1

My siblings and I are in the process of exploring options for my aging parents as it becomes more and more apparent their days of living independently are numbered.  Now 86 and 85, they have lived in their own home and managed all their daily living requirements with little to no assistance from us.  More and more frequently they express feeling overwhelmed by the same tasks they've, up until now, managed without a whimper.  It's becoming obvious that something will need to be done.  My two sisters and I live driving distance away; close enough to be there in a day, too far away to be of daily assistance.  My two brothers live closer by and have been available for the occasional help with driving when needed and to help with repairs my father would have managed once upon a time.   Regretably, the ever increasing demands my parents have put on their lives has reached a breaking point.  As we begin to explore options for their remaining years, we are quickly realizing that, short of keeping them in their home, their options are expensive and limited.  Understanding that moving our elders from their familiar surroundings can in itself be debilitating, we're hoping to keep them as close to what's familiar as possible.  That in itself limits options.  The small town we grew up in (and where they still live) has one retirement/assisted living option and one nursing home option.  Neither is appealing.  The retirement/assisted living option is a lovely country club like setting but VERY expensive, and laden with hidden (with what I forsee as) complications.   They're too healthy, too viable for a nursing home.  What to do?   I'm 92 pages into Jane Gross's 2011 book,  A Bittersweet Season.  Her firsthand account of her and her brother's trip through the maze of elder care is eyeopening and frightening.  The good news is that her experience, her research, is information we can use to hopefully avoid some of the pitfalls they encountered during their mother's final years.   Over the next few weeks, I'll continue to write about my experience determining and implementing what to do about Mom and Dad.

"What's my goal?"

An important first step in the therapeutic process of counseling is to determine the individual's (or couple's, or family's) goal for therapy.   Even though the goal will often change over the course of treatment, keeping the goal in the foreground even as it evolves serves to help the client stay focused.  Determining one's goals in life is invaluable even if one is not sitting in a counselors office.  Whether it's a career, or finances, or Friday night, setting a goal is the surest way of having control over the results.  Just as in therapy, the goal may be tweaked over time as life takes its course.  But, having a target to aim for  provides direction and focus.  I believe it's never too soon to begin thinking about goals.  Talking with children about their goals helps them begin to see their road ahead as a means to an end.  Rather than coursing willy nilly through life, they begin to understand early on the value of  setting goals.  So, whether you're 5 or 85, you're never too young or too old to begin asking yourself the question, "what's my goal?"

"If you don't know where you're going you'll probably end up somewhere else."  Lewis Carroll

What's a "5"?

Clients often come to therapy to talk about a difficult decision they are trying to make.  Often their choices seem impossible causing them great anguish.  It might be whether or not to get a divorce, or whether or not to leave an abusive relationship; whether or not to talk to a friend or work associate about a difficult topic or whether or not to change jobs. To help them make a decision less overwhelming, we talk about what they CAN do.  The conversation might go something like this:  "If filing for a divorce is a "10" and not filing for a divorce is a "1", what would a "5" be?  Every "5" is unique to the individual.  In the examples above, it might be getting couples counseling, or asking for a separation, or simply talking with their spouse about the difficulties they are experiencing in the relationship; building a safety plan; writing a letter to the friend or work associate about their difficulties; exploring job options.  The goal is to empower the client to DO SOMETHING.  As they begin to see that there are small, doable steps in the process and that each step can lead to another doable step, another "5", the large overwhelming decision becomes a series of manageable ones.  So, if you ever find yourself in a situation where a decision seems impossible, ask yourself the question, "what's a 5?"

Figure out what you want....

In the movie How Do You Know, Reese Witherspoon plays a former National Team softball player struggling with her identity (and her boyfriend, Owen Wilson.)  In desperation, she schedules an appointment with a Psychiatrist.  She arrives at the appointment anxious, hyper.  Before ever sitting down, she talks herself out of the process.  Before leaving, she asks the Doctor if there was one piece of advice he could give a client what would it be.  His answer: "Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it."  Sound advice.  So often we don't know what we want and either don't know how or don't have the courage to ask.  This can cause angst not just for ourselves, but for those around us.  By having the courage to figure out exactly what we want and the courage to ask for it, change can begin.  And, while change may be scary, it sure beats the frustration of "stuck". 

"I just assumed that....."

When working with clients, I can't tell you the number of times I would hear "I just assumed" followed by a statement that usually resulted in a negative outcome.  Examples?  "I just assumed he made the appointment." Or, "I just assumed my teacher would accept my paper late."  Or, the really good one, "I just assumed she knew I loved her."  In his book, The Four Agreements, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, Don Miguel Ruiz writes:  "Don't make assumptions.  Find the courage to ask questions and to express (clearly) what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life."  So, the lesson here, never assume someone knows what you want, you know what someone else is thinking, or that someone else knows what you are thinking.  99.9% of the time you'll be wrong.  With those odds, you stand to lose.

"StepMom" ain't easy!

When Ron and I made the decision to get married after 3 years of dating, we knew we were stepping into a potential landmine.  With three children of my own and his one, we had four opportunities for learning, leaning, and love. We had a lot to learn about how to be a parent once removed and it would take a lot of love (and patience and tears) to get us all through it.  Leaning, you might ask?  That would be the times we would lean on each other actually and figuratively through the times when everyone was adjusting to the new family we had created.  My stepdaughter, Mary Kate, had the hardest row to hoe.  Being an only child and having never shared her Daddy with another woman (her parents separated when she was a toddler) she was happy having her Daddy all to herself for 7 years.  Though we slowly and gently introduced our relationship to her, she was sharp enough to sense this was not just Daddy's new friend! The usual games were played in the early years - threats, tears, ultimatums.  Ron and I were savvy enough to know we had to listen, we had to be patient, and we had to be consistent in our determination to knit our two families into one.  When we married in 2003, Mary Kate was the youngest of our brood at 12 (my three were all out of the nest.)   I knew my role in Mary Kate's life was not to be her "parent".  That was her Dad and her Mom's job.  I saw my role as hopefully becoming her friend.  I knew that, like building any friendship, I had be pleasant, I had to be accomodating, and I had to be respectful.  I was lucky that Ron was a hands-on Dad who relished his time with his daughter, but also embraced his role of disciplinarian. And, though Ron and I usually saw our world eye to eye, the times my views were different, he was willing to listen, willing to discuss and willing to alter the environment when necessary.  This freed me to be what I wanted to be - pleasant, accommodating, respectful.  I've been Mary Kate's stepmom for 7 years now.  I can happily, gratefully report patience, fortitude and respect has resulted in a relationship with Mary Kate that brings me joy and friendship.  The trip getting there definitely wasn't easy, but the rewards have been well worth the journey.

Grandson's "wienie"

I had the good fortune recently to spend several days with my grandchildren, Annie and Coleman.  Coleman, 5 years old, has all the energy and enthusiasm I wish I could bottle for myself!  One afternoon while riding around town, from the backseat I overhear Coleman to Annie, "look how big my wienie is now!"  Now that's a comment that might cause you to run off the road! Just to be clear, he wasn't showing off his family jewel, he was using his flipflop to suggest just how large his penis might be (with a giggle thrown in for good measure!)  Knowing that young children are naturally curious and naturally conversational about their "privates", I calmly asked Coleman if he was "talking about his privates in public?" and then reminded him, "we only talk about our privates in private."  I've lived long enough to know this short interaction might not nip this behavior in the bud.  But, with all of us who love Coleman sticking with this party line, he can keep his sense of himself intact, learn something about editing, AND keep the rest of us on the road!

Just getting started.....

As a Licensed Professional Counselor for over 10 years, I've heard many, many stories from clients dealing with everything from "my husband never remembers my birthday" to "I think my son's smoking pot", and everything in between and beyond.  My goal with this blog is to share what I've learned professionally and personally about whatever topic is on my mind that day. I'll keep it short since time is something we all have too little of.  I hope you'll find it helpful.